Things are tough here at the moment. Really tough. In fact they have been for the past 3 months or so and it’s beginning to take its toll on me. I’m exhausted all the time, I’m hungry all the time, I’m stressed all the time. You get the picture. So in an effort to get things off my chest, here I am!
About three months ago now my OH and I started having some serious problems, things were touch and go for 2 of the 3 months and it is only recently that we have committed to making it work. I’ve had mixed views from friends and family about my choice to stand by him through this but I’m very much a “stand by your man” kinda gal and I believe in making relationships work. Things are by no means sorted, they wont be for a while; serious damage has been done to both the relationship, and us as individuals and it is going to take a lot of work.
I have been beating myself up for all this time for not noticing sooner. I knew as soon as he stepped off the plane when he came back for Christmas, that something was wrong. He was distant, didn’t want to hug, he was underwhelmed about being home and hankering to go back as soon as possible, but I put it down to a long, tiring flight and a love of the job. I had been so excited to see him and couldn’t stand still while waiting for him at arrivals, maybe I thought that, compared to me, anyone would look like they weren’t bothered. Looking back, I was desperate not believe that there were problems, and it was stupid of me to think that a year apart, aside from visits, would not take it’s toll on the bond that we once had.
Sadly the months we had together before he went back a month ago were horrific. When he flew out for work again it was after months of him telling me that he didn’t love me, months of crying and shouting and desperate counselling sessions, we parted as single people and have since reconciled via skype.
While I am happy that we are working things out, for me at least, it is increasingly difficult. I haven’t felt loved for months now, I haven’t felt that connection with him since all this began and as a result I am really struggling to continue fighting. That wouldn’t be such a problem if he was in the country and all was hunky dory, but at the moment if I stop fighting for us then there’s no one left on the battle field.
The pressure is really getting to me now, everything is resting on me; his health, my health, our relationship, our future, our living arrangements, our finances, everything. I’m giving out everything I have emotionally and am getting nothing back; no one is there to recharge my emotional batteries, no one is there to give me a cuddle and tell me it’s all going to be ok, and at the same time I can’t stop giving for a second because he needs me. Taking some time out is just not an option right now and no doubt wont be for a while until he is feeling a bit better, which could be several more months.
I keep telling myself that once he gets back in the country it will ease, at least a little, but the date of his arrival is being put back again and again and it’s making me wonder if it’s ever going to happen. I need to be able to hold him, and for him to hold me, and to look into his eyes and believe that it’s going to work out. I need to feel that physical connection to another person. I need to feel loved.
We all need to feel the love of our partners… don’t feel bad for wanting that. I do hope you both can work things out, I really do.
I’m sorry to hear his coming home dates being pushed back again and again…
It’s a horrible situation you’re both in at the moment, and trying to mend a fractured relationship whilst nearly on the total opposite sides of the world as each other is going to be insanely difficult. But despite you seeming to “want it more” as you seem to speak of here, he’s still wanting to be with you too. There’s something to work for, and I hope you both will find your happiness with each other once again. And soon. You both deserve it
xx
oh sweetheart, this was so heartbreaking to read. i feel for you, i wish I could come and give you a hug, i really do. As an outsider reading this though i have to wonder why you are the only one working so hard. Why he is not fighting for you as well.
I worry that you are making yourself ill from trying to do it all yourself when a situation like this needs both people to be fighting equally.
I’m not sure i’m making much sense, I guess what i mean is take care of yourself, don’t push yourself so far that you snap.
Thanks. I can’t say too much because he’s not a fan of having problems “broadcast” but the situation we have is basically that he is not in a position to handle anything at the moment.
It does make sense and I can see where you (and many other people!) are coming from, but I can still remember how happy we were.
I’ve been hit by massive confusion mostly, and can’t really make decisions while he’s out of the country.
Appreciate the advice, I am trying to look after myself!
Gosh Livi, I have a real wish to be with you and hug you really strongly, tell you you are beautiful and tell you that everything will work out fine – but no can do. You’ll have to take it cyberly for now 🙂
I have had moments like that with my 1st relationship, I know that loneliness and I know that desperation.
YOU are doing everything in your power to make this work and can do no more, if all should go tits up, you can rest assured that you gave it your best. If on the other hand everything turns out to be hunky dorey, you can be very proud of yourself for being such an amazing woman.
Huge huge hugs x
I know it’s not quite the same, but consider yourself virtually hugged.
Also, I read your post with a cup of tea in hand so it’s almost like we sat down with a cuppa and had a chat about it.
I’m so sorry, it sounds hard. I really hope you have some resolution soon, preferably before you make yourself really poorly.
xxx
awww thanks so much folks.
I very much appreciate the virtual cups of tea and hugs! It’s you folks that keep me going! What would I do without twitter and blogging?!
Gosh how absolutely dreadful for you both. Thi is my first visit here so I don’t know you that well but you’re clearly having an awful time and it sounds like there is very little you can do while he is away, and that could be the state for some time. I hate to think of you busy making yourself ill and remaining so stress. I don’t know what the underlying issue is (issues are) but I hope they can get resolved because you deserve much better than this . Hugs xx
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