Welcome to my nightmare

Thank you Alice Cooper for my title, I seem to be saying it a lot of late.

I really don’t know where to start anymore, my life is so up and down that part of me is missing the depression I suffered with for so long; at least that was a constant, at least with that I could hide in my bed all day, at least then I could give up. I am under so much strain that every day I think “today I’m going to crack”, and then tomorrow comes with even more stress and still I don’t, I have no idea how I am still going. I barely eat, I barely sleep, I am in a constant state of worry but still I carry on and still I can’t walk away. I guess that’s love.

This is, without doubt, the most frustrating time of my life. If I had a penny for all the times I’ve told myself “It’s not his fault, it’s the depression” I would be able to afford to fly out to him. It breaks my heart every time he acts like he doesn’t care, every time he says horrid stuff to try to get me to leave, every time he berates himself. I wish he could just give it a break for 5 minutes, I wish, just for that short period of time, he would stop hating himself enough to see how fantastic he is. Because I know he is. I’ve seen his soul and I know that it’s good. I know that underneath the depression and the self hatred and the other layers of trauma, he is a truly incredible man. He’s strong, and passionate, he loves his friends and his family, he’s funny and charming, he’s loving and caring, and he makes me so happy. We have had so many great times in our 3 years, we have both been happier than we ever thought possible and it makes me so angry that this disease has robbed us of that.

That’s what I feel most often now; anger. Anger that yet another person I love is being taken from me. My Gran was stolen from us by dementia, my Dad by cancer and now him by depression. I know being angry wont help, I know I should be using that energy to sooth and help him, but I am blinded by hatred for that disease. And it makes me more angry because I know there is nothing he can do about it, I know that he is just as helpless as I am. I also know that no one can help him like I can, which makes me angry too because I am failing, every day he is still under that black cloud is another day that I have failed him.

I beat it, and that angers me too. Why couldn’t it take me instead? Why can’t he believe that he can do it? He watched me fight it, he was there as I gradually beat it back, he saw me grow and he still doesn’t believe it’s possible. I know it is the depression telling him that he isn’t strong enough, I know that it whispers in his ear that he will never escape, I know it screams at him about how much a failure he is, but he watched me win

Last week he lied to me, this week he left me, but he did neither of those things. He had no control over them, some of the things he does I believe are swayed by outside factors, but mostly it is the depression. It wants to make him suffer, it wants him alone where no one can save him, it wants to remove every one who cares so it can destroy him. It will make him say and do things that he doesn’t want to to hurt those people who care, it will tell him, over and over, that he doesn’t deserve them, that he doesn’t deserve to be happy, it will force his hand onto his self-destruct button and it will keep it there until there is nothing left. It has already sucked his energy, he is already at the point where he has nothing left to fight with. 1-0. I won’t let it score a second goal, I will play every position on the field if I have to, I wont let him be taken by it.

If  you, or someone you know can relate to this please contact a GP and/or view some of these links:

Samaritans – 08457 90 90 90

MIND – they cover all mental health problems and have advice for the sufferer and their families too.

Breaking the Silence – they are bringing mental health awareness into the 21st century. They’re active on facebook too, so become a fan and tell your friends and they also have links to blogs and other sites for support.

Sane – who deal with all mental health issues and have phone numbers on their home page for help too.

Depression Alliance – Specific help for depression, promoting the “you are not alone” message.

Since this blog post was written, the posting has been delayed, he has gone into counselling and we are still together. He will be home by May.

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100 Faces

Were it not for the weather it would have been a perfect day. Two girls, demon free, being beautified and getting to pose and laugh in a real studio! It was a fabulous experience and one I would love to repeat!

The fantastic lady who took our photos is Jo Belfield, she’s everywhere; on twitter, flickr, blogger and at her very sexy website. She has also taken it upon herself to set up the 100faces project which will involve 100 people with various mental illnesses and aims to promote mental health awareness. Hopefully it will be on show next year so you can all go and visit and see how gorgeous Samm and I look in it!

Getting to Macclesfield to Jo’s studio wasn’t exactly smooth sailing but it was smoother than getting back! After some wandering around Macclesfield we phoned Jo who directed us to her new studio where we warmed up and got the tour of her new studio! It must be said that Jo is hilarious and had us rolling around in laughter within minutes, she also makes an excellent cuppa! We arrived just before our incredible make-up artist; Dora. The woman is a miracle worker, I swear to you she is gifted. Should you wish to be made stunningly beautiful by a gorgeous lady with very gentle hands, give her a call on 07507560929 or email her at makeupbydora@googlemail.com I assure you that you will not be disappointed.

Once our make-up was all sorted we got our chance in front of the camera! There was much hair swishing from Samm who took to it like a duck to water, and markedly less from me! Jo was great, telling us what we needed to do and showing us the photos occasionally so we got an idea of what we were doing wrong! Despite the fits of giggles she managed to get some good photos and hopefully they are what she was looking for! She’s really good at boosting your confidence and getting across what she’s aiming for, we both felt at ease with her.

It was a great day out and I would definitely recommend her to anyone from models to groups of friends to family shots or couples. She really knows what she’s doing and Dora is, as I said before, a miracle worker! I could not recommend them highly enough, and in a couple of weeks we will be going to see the finished products, and if I’ve got any monies I shall be buying one to prove to everyone how pretty I am for all time!

Photo Credit: Jo Belfield Photography (the same one I’ve been raving about for the whole post!)

Samm’s review of the day can be found here on her fab blog which has also been featured on Breaking the Silence

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