Long time no see

Over the past month I have lost almost a stone and a half, not through diet, through illness, but none the less, it was weight that needed to go. I am now the lightest I’ve ever been as an adult, back to a size 12 and for the past 2 days I was over the moon. However, for some reason all my old weight demons have kicked in now and I look in the mirror and look bigger than I was a stone and a half ago. Now I know that that is, firstly impossible, and secondly insane, but that’s what I see. So now I find myself desperate to keep the weight off, and loose more, and yet can’t help but stuff myself with foods that make me feel sick to punish myself and I don’t even know what I’m punishing myself for!

I want to keep the weight off purely for health reasons; I’ve got more energy, I look better, I’m healthier, although still bang in the middle of “overweight” according to the NHS BMI calculator. But losing more is something I don’t think I want, but can’t help working towards. I’d made real progress and no longer looked at those skinny people in magazines and thought they were hot, I don’t want to go back to that. I’m never going to be a skinny girl, but it seems that now I’m slimmer it’s all I can think about. I had this problem last time I was this size, I had “fat days” more often than good days, I could point out a million and one things wrong with my body, I always wanted to lose “just that bit there” and then “just this” or have this done, it drove OH mad. After putting on the weight, slowly and accidentally due to what amounts to laziness, I was much happier. I have no idea why, I didn’t feel sexy in the way I do now, but I was happy, content if you will, I liked myself and that was great because I didn’t care about my size.

This post makes no sense, mainly because the situation makes no sense, but I had to get it out. I have no idea what my problem is! I’m doubtful there is, or ever will be, any eating disorder problems mainly because I just love my food and I am allergic to the gym! Physically it’s not going to be a problem, I’ll probably hover around this weight for a while, then start piling on the pounds again, but mentally I’m back to looking into a mirror and seeing some size 20 woman staring back at me when I know that I’m wearing size 12 clothes and they fit. It’s the weirdest feeling and I wish I knew what to do about it, especially if it’s going to end in me feeling sick all the time because I’m eating stuff that makes me poorly to punish myself for unknown crimes.

And now I’m rambling, so I’m going to take my chocolate, malted milk biscuits that make me ill and get back to watching Supernatural! Any advice, as always, greatly appreciated.

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Acceptance: Good or Bad?

I’ve been thinking, and that alone is never a good thing! Anyway, while Stuart has been away I have been piling on the pounds and it got me thinking whether accepting the way your body looks is really a good thing.

Before I met Stuart I was massively unhappy with my body, however I was also a lot slimmer, and healthier, than I am now. Since I’ve been with Stuart I have learnt to accept that I’ll never be skinny and gorgeous and initially I thought that was a fabulous thing because it made me so much happier and I felt a lot sexier and more confident, but the down side is that now I’m so comfortable that I’m not making an effort to stay healthy, let alone in shape.

Maybe it’s just me but it seems that that hatred of my body was what drove me to not put on too much weight and to watch what I was eating a bit better and now finding the drive to lose the weight again is really difficult.

Well I was intending this to be a deep, thoughtful and interesting post but can’t win ’em all, eh?!

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It’s a long one folks

I’m warning you now this is going to be a long post!

Firstly, my 2 step sisters and their families have been here for a week. For the first couple of days we were out and about with them which was good because I’ve been stuck for the past 3 weeks with nothing to do but twitter and sunbathe. It may sound like this is the life, but I tell you it’s not. I can see my waistline expanding and my sanity suffering! Sadly due to there being so many people in the house, 8 to be precise, I was in what is basically the computer room on a useless mattress, I won’t go into it again but see photos from my last post! Basically I have not slept for a week now and am therefore exhausted. Thankfully I am back to a nice, comfy bed again as of last night 😀 Hopefully soon I will be back to my usual self.

Stuart was also here for this weekend which was great 😀 Sadly it went far too quickly and felt like He was only here for one day and not three. On the plus side this next 2 weeks apart are our last due to Italy then I have Him back for August before He disappears to Mexico for a month, then hopefully we will be able to spend more time together again.

I have also come to the conclusion that any more than 2 weeks in France is far too long. There’s only so much peace and quiet, lack of social communication and general basic amenities that one person can stand! I fail to see how they manage to live in the same way that people did hundreds of years ago in the modern age. I cannot understand why people voluntarily live in the middle of nowhere in France. Now I’ve lived in the middle of nowhere in England and that’s not too bad, I’d still rather live in the suburbs, but at least there are people there and the phone always works! Surely the French can find a way to have a working phone and internet connection, even if they can’t figure out that we are no longer in the 1900’s!

Another irritation of mine today is the way older people always tell younger people to travel the world before they settle down. Why? If you want to travel the world, fine, but I don’t! I’ve been to lots of places anyway, why do I need to postpone my actual dreams so that I can do something that I don’t want to just to shut you up? And the worst part of it is the way they tell you that it’s your dream! No it’s not, it’s your dream, if you want to do it, bloody well go but don’t try to ship me off to far flung corners of the globe to white water raft down Niagara falls and trek across the Serengeti when I don’t damn well want to! Traveling is no longer as  difficult as it was when you were a teenager, should I suddenly desire to get a doctor to stab me with needles over and over again just so that I can go and see the pyramids of Egypt then I can grab a flight there and find a hotel, it’s not hard! Also, why are people convinced that having a baby will put your life on hold? With proper organisation you can still travel with a baby/child/teen, so in short, no I will not be traveling before I fulfill my dreams, mainly because traveling is not my dream!

I did have some other things to write about but I feel like I’m going on a bit now anway! So to finish, I have been inspired by Fetish Flame to do a podcast with Stuart. If you haven’t listened to Fetish Flame give it a go, mainly because I’m not going to explain what it talks about on here because it’s a bit naughty 😉 Anyway, I think it would be very interesting to do a podcast in a similar vein but to chat with “vanillas” about the lifestyle and get their take on it. Any thoughts on my random new hobby would be greatly appreciated! Would any of you be interested in it or do you think I should just keep my opinions to myself?!

So, that’s me done for today! Sorry it was so ranty and long!

Update: I realised that it wasn’t really that long so I’m going to go off again! Prepare yourselves!

I had a terrible dream the other night about my wedding. I dreamt that firstly Stuart didn’t wear His suit, He was still smart so it wasn’t a big problem, but odd! The heart breaking part was that at the start of the ceremony over half the congregation left yelling at me how much they hated me 😦 So that was pretty depressing, it has, however, got me thinking about our wedding again. Now pondering some “alternative” ideas that Stuart suggested! I’m such a girl, I really love weddings and all the planning that goes into them and everything!

Another gripe I have at the moment is children’s beauty pageants. There was a story about them on the news last night and it made me so mad. All the mothers who stand there and say that there is nothing wrong with their 8 year olds putting layers and layers of make-up on, skimpy outfits and being judged entirely on their looks, claiming that “it’s good for their confidence.” Rubbish! There is nothing healthy about getting young girls to stand on stage and have people tell them that they’re not pretty/skinny/slutty enough. If anyone so much as suggested that my children entered a pageant I would hit to roof and I know that Stuart would too. Another argument they seem to use to defend their sexualisation of children is that “they like to dress up like princesses.” Now that is true, young girls do like to dress up in their mum’s clothes and make-up and pretend they are a princess, however, they can do that at home without being paraded like dogs. As you can see this is a topic that does really irritate me, mainly because it disgusts me that anyone would want to put their children through that.

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