I’ve Moved!

I have moved, finally, to my own hosted blog! You can now find me here: http://princessl.co.uk/ please add me to your google reader (or other RSS reader!) as I will be blogging from there from now on.

Also, please bear with me while I get it all set up to look pretty! I’ve already broken it once!

Hope you’re as excited as I am! 😀

http://princessl.co.uk/

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Plastic Joy Awards

The hilarious Tattoed Mummy took it upon herself to create a new award, the Plastic Joy Award and it has been awarded to me by Emma at Me, the Man and the Baby. Thank you to both of them because I have been so looking forward to doing this, mainly because now I have an excuse to google gorgeous men!

So here are the 5 fictional characters that I would like to spend some nakey time with!

1)  Captain Jack Sparrow – yes, I ADORE Johnny Depp, but Jack is just fabulous! He’s dark yet funny, gorgeously handosme, rugged and fantastic!

2) Leroy Jethro Gibbs – I may have a thing for older men too. Plus he’s…well, he’s Gibbs! Watch NCIS and you will understand!

3) E Edward Grey – Of “Secretary” fame. It may well be my favourite film ever. I love that he’s so quirky, I love that he’s kinky and I love that he’s perfect! Please watch the film, it’s fantastic, I’m posting a spoiler photo at the very bottom of the post so if you’re going to watch it, don’t scroll all the way down!

4) Edward Lewis – oh yes ladies, it’s Richard Geere! This film is “our” film (as in the film my OH and I relate to), he’s Edward, I’m Vivienne (make of that what you will!), he even signed a card Edward on our first proper Christmas together! And come on, it’s Pretty Woman, he’s the perfect man!

5) – Dean Winchester! I don’t think this one needs any explaining, does it ladies!

Now I am tagging some lovely ladies who I’m sure will enjoy ‘researching’ gorgeous men!

Louise at Wee Wifie’s World

Samm at No One Else

Debs at Dopey Dee’s Blog

Jo Bart

Bubble Boo

This is my favourite part of Secretary, it’s from the very end but it makes me well up. To me it symbolises true love.

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Welcome to my nightmare

Thank you Alice Cooper for my title, I seem to be saying it a lot of late.

I really don’t know where to start anymore, my life is so up and down that part of me is missing the depression I suffered with for so long; at least that was a constant, at least with that I could hide in my bed all day, at least then I could give up. I am under so much strain that every day I think “today I’m going to crack”, and then tomorrow comes with even more stress and still I don’t, I have no idea how I am still going. I barely eat, I barely sleep, I am in a constant state of worry but still I carry on and still I can’t walk away. I guess that’s love.

This is, without doubt, the most frustrating time of my life. If I had a penny for all the times I’ve told myself “It’s not his fault, it’s the depression” I would be able to afford to fly out to him. It breaks my heart every time he acts like he doesn’t care, every time he says horrid stuff to try to get me to leave, every time he berates himself. I wish he could just give it a break for 5 minutes, I wish, just for that short period of time, he would stop hating himself enough to see how fantastic he is. Because I know he is. I’ve seen his soul and I know that it’s good. I know that underneath the depression and the self hatred and the other layers of trauma, he is a truly incredible man. He’s strong, and passionate, he loves his friends and his family, he’s funny and charming, he’s loving and caring, and he makes me so happy. We have had so many great times in our 3 years, we have both been happier than we ever thought possible and it makes me so angry that this disease has robbed us of that.

That’s what I feel most often now; anger. Anger that yet another person I love is being taken from me. My Gran was stolen from us by dementia, my Dad by cancer and now him by depression. I know being angry wont help, I know I should be using that energy to sooth and help him, but I am blinded by hatred for that disease. And it makes me more angry because I know there is nothing he can do about it, I know that he is just as helpless as I am. I also know that no one can help him like I can, which makes me angry too because I am failing, every day he is still under that black cloud is another day that I have failed him.

I beat it, and that angers me too. Why couldn’t it take me instead? Why can’t he believe that he can do it? He watched me fight it, he was there as I gradually beat it back, he saw me grow and he still doesn’t believe it’s possible. I know it is the depression telling him that he isn’t strong enough, I know that it whispers in his ear that he will never escape, I know it screams at him about how much a failure he is, but he watched me win

Last week he lied to me, this week he left me, but he did neither of those things. He had no control over them, some of the things he does I believe are swayed by outside factors, but mostly it is the depression. It wants to make him suffer, it wants him alone where no one can save him, it wants to remove every one who cares so it can destroy him. It will make him say and do things that he doesn’t want to to hurt those people who care, it will tell him, over and over, that he doesn’t deserve them, that he doesn’t deserve to be happy, it will force his hand onto his self-destruct button and it will keep it there until there is nothing left. It has already sucked his energy, he is already at the point where he has nothing left to fight with. 1-0. I won’t let it score a second goal, I will play every position on the field if I have to, I wont let him be taken by it.

If  you, or someone you know can relate to this please contact a GP and/or view some of these links:

Samaritans – 08457 90 90 90

MIND – they cover all mental health problems and have advice for the sufferer and their families too.

Breaking the Silence – they are bringing mental health awareness into the 21st century. They’re active on facebook too, so become a fan and tell your friends and they also have links to blogs and other sites for support.

Sane – who deal with all mental health issues and have phone numbers on their home page for help too.

Depression Alliance – Specific help for depression, promoting the “you are not alone” message.

Since this blog post was written, the posting has been delayed, he has gone into counselling and we are still together. He will be home by May.

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100 Faces

Were it not for the weather it would have been a perfect day. Two girls, demon free, being beautified and getting to pose and laugh in a real studio! It was a fabulous experience and one I would love to repeat!

The fantastic lady who took our photos is Jo Belfield, she’s everywhere; on twitter, flickr, blogger and at her very sexy website. She has also taken it upon herself to set up the 100faces project which will involve 100 people with various mental illnesses and aims to promote mental health awareness. Hopefully it will be on show next year so you can all go and visit and see how gorgeous Samm and I look in it!

Getting to Macclesfield to Jo’s studio wasn’t exactly smooth sailing but it was smoother than getting back! After some wandering around Macclesfield we phoned Jo who directed us to her new studio where we warmed up and got the tour of her new studio! It must be said that Jo is hilarious and had us rolling around in laughter within minutes, she also makes an excellent cuppa! We arrived just before our incredible make-up artist; Dora. The woman is a miracle worker, I swear to you she is gifted. Should you wish to be made stunningly beautiful by a gorgeous lady with very gentle hands, give her a call on 07507560929 or email her at makeupbydora@googlemail.com I assure you that you will not be disappointed.

Once our make-up was all sorted we got our chance in front of the camera! There was much hair swishing from Samm who took to it like a duck to water, and markedly less from me! Jo was great, telling us what we needed to do and showing us the photos occasionally so we got an idea of what we were doing wrong! Despite the fits of giggles she managed to get some good photos and hopefully they are what she was looking for! She’s really good at boosting your confidence and getting across what she’s aiming for, we both felt at ease with her.

It was a great day out and I would definitely recommend her to anyone from models to groups of friends to family shots or couples. She really knows what she’s doing and Dora is, as I said before, a miracle worker! I could not recommend them highly enough, and in a couple of weeks we will be going to see the finished products, and if I’ve got any monies I shall be buying one to prove to everyone how pretty I am for all time!

Photo Credit: Jo Belfield Photography (the same one I’ve been raving about for the whole post!)

Samm’s review of the day can be found here on her fab blog which has also been featured on Breaking the Silence

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An ode to the Spice Girls

For this weeks Writing Workshop, the lovely Josie wants us to tell her what we want, what we really really want. So I pondered if, in fact, what I wanted was indeed to “zig a zig, ah” and nope, turns out that no, that’s not it.

Yes, that was awful but I had to distract myself briefly before I starting writing this post, because what I do want is a family. That is all I have ever wanted, all I’ve ever dreamed about. I blogged along a similar vein here so I’m going to try and not overlap on that post and specify that the key part of my dream is being pregnant; carrying a baby inside me, giving birth, raising that child. In fact, watching One Born Every Minute each week on channel 4 has only made me more broody than before. I think I assumed it would bring home the reality to me, like it did for several people I follow on twitter who commented on never wanting children, and it did; it proved to me that the reality would be even more fulfilling, rewarding and magical than the dream.

For as long as I can remember there has been a hole in my life, not due to any traumatic experience or some deep seated parent problems, I’ve been through counselling and I know myself very well, I have resolved my issues, the hole is for my children. I am trying to think of a way to explain the emptiness and the longing that would convey to you just how it feels, but I think it that it is one of those things that only those who have felt it can really know. For me it is a physical pain in the pit of my stomach, it is tears and despair each month as another chance passes by, but worst of all is the unbearable jealousy that goes hand in hand with the happiness every time a friend announces her pregnancy. Several of my friends, and “friends”, have got pregnant or given birth recently and it’s taking its toll. Those who are good friends I am honestly over the moon for, I really am, and I feel terrible that it makes me feel so inadequate and jealous but I can’t help it. I would never express these feelings to them of course, and spending time with them and their child does make me smile, but then I come home and can’t help but feel that aching emptiness, amplified by the time spent with the cure. Those that I am not really close to, specifically one who only contacts me when they want something, I don’t feel that happiness for them, I feel pure, unadulterated envy, so much so that I can no longer even look at them. I feel terrible for thinking that they don’t deserve it, that I would be a better parent, that they could never care as much as I do, but nothing will shake that feeling. I don’t know whether that makes me a bad person, or a desperate one.

For now all I can do is keep my fingers crossed that it will happen, sooner rather than later, and ease the pain with babies laughter, children’s hugs and teenagers chats.

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Outside my Front Door – Nantwich

This week’s Gallery prompt from Tara at Sticky Fingers was “outside my front door” so without further ado, welcome to Heaven’s Waiting Room:

It took me a grand total of 40 mintues to walk into, around the whole town, and back home again! That gives you an idea on size!

In the 16th century there was a Great Fire in my town which almost totally destroyed it. However Queen Elizabeth I donated £2000 and organised a countrywide appeal which raised £30,000 to rebuild.

We host an international cheese show, Folk festival, Food festival and Jazz and Blues festival every year, all of which draw a fair few tourists.

There is a rumour about our town having the most pubs per square mile, however it appears to be just a rumour, but when many of the alley ways are cobbled it’s a pain rumour or not!

Our local church has an octagonal tower.

We only have one night club, most locals claim to hate it, I love it and I’m not ashamed!

Last year (2009) the winner of Big Brother came from our fair town!

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Long time no see

Over the past month I have lost almost a stone and a half, not through diet, through illness, but none the less, it was weight that needed to go. I am now the lightest I’ve ever been as an adult, back to a size 12 and for the past 2 days I was over the moon. However, for some reason all my old weight demons have kicked in now and I look in the mirror and look bigger than I was a stone and a half ago. Now I know that that is, firstly impossible, and secondly insane, but that’s what I see. So now I find myself desperate to keep the weight off, and loose more, and yet can’t help but stuff myself with foods that make me feel sick to punish myself and I don’t even know what I’m punishing myself for!

I want to keep the weight off purely for health reasons; I’ve got more energy, I look better, I’m healthier, although still bang in the middle of “overweight” according to the NHS BMI calculator. But losing more is something I don’t think I want, but can’t help working towards. I’d made real progress and no longer looked at those skinny people in magazines and thought they were hot, I don’t want to go back to that. I’m never going to be a skinny girl, but it seems that now I’m slimmer it’s all I can think about. I had this problem last time I was this size, I had “fat days” more often than good days, I could point out a million and one things wrong with my body, I always wanted to lose “just that bit there” and then “just this” or have this done, it drove OH mad. After putting on the weight, slowly and accidentally due to what amounts to laziness, I was much happier. I have no idea why, I didn’t feel sexy in the way I do now, but I was happy, content if you will, I liked myself and that was great because I didn’t care about my size.

This post makes no sense, mainly because the situation makes no sense, but I had to get it out. I have no idea what my problem is! I’m doubtful there is, or ever will be, any eating disorder problems mainly because I just love my food and I am allergic to the gym! Physically it’s not going to be a problem, I’ll probably hover around this weight for a while, then start piling on the pounds again, but mentally I’m back to looking into a mirror and seeing some size 20 woman staring back at me when I know that I’m wearing size 12 clothes and they fit. It’s the weirdest feeling and I wish I knew what to do about it, especially if it’s going to end in me feeling sick all the time because I’m eating stuff that makes me poorly to punish myself for unknown crimes.

And now I’m rambling, so I’m going to take my chocolate, malted milk biscuits that make me ill and get back to watching Supernatural! Any advice, as always, greatly appreciated.

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You are my sunshine

The fabulous Eoforhild over at Planted in the Earth, Reaching for the Moon has very kindly nominated me for these awards in her Pretty Awards post. Firstly, I have to say I adore the name of her blog! I have only recently discovered it but I already love it, her photos are beautiful, her writing is fantastic and her topics are interesting.
She describes herself as a “Tattooed, Combat-boot-wearing, disney loving, cloth nappy using, baby wearing Mama, who likes to bake, take photographs, read children’s books and hug trees.” So if any of that takes your fancy go read her blog!

The rules of these awards are as follows: write a lucky fact about yourself, 3 things that brighten up your day, and then pass it on to your lucky number of people.

Lucky Fact: I always seem to come out fighting

Things that brighten up my day: Music (especially 80s rock and 90s cheese!), photos (taking them and looking at them) and beautiful things (from flowers and trees, to beautiful people).

I don’t really have a “lucky” number, but I do have a thing for all even numbers and the number 5. So I’m just going to award this to people who make me feel lucky to know them and if you’ve already been nominated then…lucky you!:

1) Louise who never fails to make me smile with her clumsiness, random tweets and general sweetness.

2) Debs who’s vibrant opinions get me all riled up and ready for a good debate!

3) Marianne who’s blog posts have had me rolling on the floor recently from her beautiful self portrait to her naughty sexcapades (don’t worry folks, nothing x-rated in them!)

4) Dara who provides an honest, funny, no nonsense insight into parenthood and who went from a heart breaking post to an utterly hillarious one with no problem!

5) Josie who I adore and admire for so many reasons I would be here all night if I wrote them all. She started the Writing Workshop, she’s so strong and funny, she is an incredible mum and still remains totally in the dark about how incredible she is. She is also the main reason I got into blogging properly.

6) Heather who posts about sex toys in supermarkets, nudity at Christmas and other naked events and all from her new home in Finland!

7) Diary of a Frugal Family for making me laugh so hard after a really bad night by posting the best restaurant name ever

hmm, well 7’s supposed to be a lucky number!

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From the other side of the fence

Brief background: I have suffered with anxiety and depression (possible bi-polar disorder) for most of my life, recently I have been through excellent counselling (privately) and have recovered from my depression and am getting there with the anxiety.

Recently though, I have been on the other side of the fence, and I’ve gotta tell ya; it’s not pretty. I have no idea how, or why, my friends and family put up with it for so long. Having seen both sides, it is much worse to watch someone you love suffer and go through the never ending stress that is caused by it. My patience is being pushed to its very limits and I am fighting the urge to yell and scream because I know that will only make it worse. I am down to my last nerve, at the end of my tether and any other turn of phrase you care to use and that is making me feel very guilty.

The worst thing, I think, is knowing that nothing I say will make a difference. When I was in the depths of depression or the throws of anxiety there was no talking me out of it, it didn’t matter what anyone else said, I couldn’t help it and that knowledge makes it all the harder. I can’t just leave it and stand idly by while I watch him suffer, but at the same time I know there is a risk that anything I do say may make it worse and definitely wont make it better.

Another problem I’m having is that I know how I can help, but at the moment he is in a different country and there is nothing I can do to change that. Once he’s home I can book the counselling appointments and the doctors appointments and implement a stable routine at home to make sure he sleeps and eats and knows what’s coming. I can start building him back up by letting him plan his days out, helping him remember all the good times and showing him that there are things worth living for, but in a different country I can do nothing. There is no way I can fly out there as it’s too expensive, and even if I did all the help he requires is here; a doctor that knows his history, a counsellor who he has already bonded with, a mental health service that I am familiar with and a support network to prove that he is loved and help me when I need to cry/scream/vent at someone.

I feel like I’m at breaking point; I know he is struggling to get on the plane to come home but every extra day he is out there is another days deterioration in his condition and another day that my body and mind are pulled apart by stress. I desperately want to help him but I fear that if I continue as I am that my health and future will suffer.

Is there only so long that you can wait for someone? Am I right to be so confused and guilty about the possibility of giving up? How do I know when there is nothing more I can do? Is there ever a right time to give up on the man you love?

NB: Mainly for the people who know him and might be worried I’m posting without his knowledge: I emailed the post to him and asked if it was ok for me to post it, he said yes.

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Opening a window

There have been days in the past two weeks where I have opened my windows! This may not sound shocking to many of you, but I am neche (a colloquial word meaning I feel the cold/am a wuss when it comes to being chilly). I only open windows when it is sunny and warm and therefore it must be spring!

Finally the nights are getting lighter, the world is getting greener and my heating is getting lower. How I love spring! Pretty flowers about the place, lambs are appearing in the fields, birds are invading my garden and the sun is on it’s way.

It has been a long, cold, winter in every sense for me and I am so glad to see that spring is arriving. It always gives me hope for change, partly because of the changes happening in nature and partly because the extra sunshine buoys my mood. It is heartening to watch the seemingly dead trees come back to life, and the animals venture out after their hibernation. The whole world seems to come alive with noise, bustle and colour, which, after the quiet, dullness of winter is a very welcome and a massive contrast.

Soon I will be able to let Henrietta out in the garden every day to enjoy the grass and the weather and I’ll be able sit outside and watch her, armed with a cup of tea, while soaking up the rays. My washing will be blowing in the gentle breeze that will provide a welcome relief from the heat and there may even be a barbecue, although not while the washing is out of course! Friends will pop round for a glass of something cold in the garden, days out will become more common as we venture out on walks to various places of beauty, people will become more smiley and polite and, oddly, more trusting once the sun makes it’s appearance and all will be well with the world.

The onset of spring has also reminded me that, no matter what is going on in my life, the wheel of the year continues to turn, and thank the Goddess for that!

Happy belated Spring Equinox  folks! Blessed be.

This post was written for Josie’s Writing Workshop at Sleep is for the Weak. After much deliberation I chose prompt 1: Spring, mainly because I needed something cheerful to blog about! I hope it makes a nice change from the misery I’ve been spouting of late!

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