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Posts Tagged ‘stress’

Brief background: I have suffered with anxiety and depression (possible bi-polar disorder) for most of my life, recently I have been through excellent counselling (privately) and have recovered from my depression and am getting there with the anxiety.

Recently though, I have been on the other side of the fence, and I’ve gotta tell ya; it’s not pretty. I have no idea how, or why, my friends and family put up with it for so long. Having seen both sides, it is much worse to watch someone you love suffer and go through the never ending stress that is caused by it. My patience is being pushed to its very limits and I am fighting the urge to yell and scream because I know that will only make it worse. I am down to my last nerve, at the end of my tether and any other turn of phrase you care to use and that is making me feel very guilty.

The worst thing, I think, is knowing that nothing I say will make a difference. When I was in the depths of depression or the throws of anxiety there was no talking me out of it, it didn’t matter what anyone else said, I couldn’t help it and that knowledge makes it all the harder. I can’t just leave it and stand idly by while I watch him suffer, but at the same time I know there is a risk that anything I do say may make it worse and definitely wont make it better.

Another problem I’m having is that I know how I can help, but at the moment he is in a different country and there is nothing I can do to change that. Once he’s home I can book the counselling appointments and the doctors appointments and implement a stable routine at home to make sure he sleeps and eats and knows what’s coming. I can start building him back up by letting him plan his days out, helping him remember all the good times and showing him that there are things worth living for, but in a different country I can do nothing. There is no way I can fly out there as it’s too expensive, and even if I did all the help he requires is here; a doctor that knows his history, a counsellor who he has already bonded with, a mental health service that I am familiar with and a support network to prove that he is loved and help me when I need to cry/scream/vent at someone.

I feel like I’m at breaking point; I know he is struggling to get on the plane to come home but every extra day he is out there is another days deterioration in his condition and another day that my body and mind are pulled apart by stress. I desperately want to help him but I fear that if I continue as I am that my health and future will suffer.

Is there only so long that you can wait for someone? Am I right to be so confused and guilty about the possibility of giving up? How do I know when there is nothing more I can do? Is there ever a right time to give up on the man you love?

NB: Mainly for the people who know him and might be worried I’m posting without his knowledge: I emailed the post to him and asked if it was ok for me to post it, he said yes.

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Woe is me – mark II

Things are tough here at the moment. Really tough. In fact they have been for the past 3 months or so and it’s beginning to take its toll on me. I’m exhausted all the time, I’m hungry all the time, I’m stressed all the time. You get the picture. So in an effort to get things off my chest, here I am!

About three months ago now my OH and I started having some serious problems, things were touch and go for 2 of the 3 months and it is only recently that we have committed to making it work. I’ve had mixed views from friends and family about my choice to stand by him through this but I’m very much a “stand by your man” kinda gal and I believe in making relationships work. Things are by no means sorted, they wont be for a while; serious damage has been done to both the relationship, and us as individuals and it is going to take a lot of work.

I have been beating myself up for all this time for not noticing sooner. I knew as soon as he stepped off the plane when he came back for Christmas, that something was wrong. He was distant, didn’t want to hug, he was underwhelmed about being home and hankering to go back as soon as possible, but I put it down to a long, tiring flight and a love of the job. I had been so excited to see him and couldn’t stand still while waiting for him at arrivals, maybe I thought that, compared to me, anyone would look like they weren’t bothered. Looking back, I was desperate not believe that there were problems, and it was stupid of me to think that a year apart, aside from visits, would not take it’s toll on the bond that we once had.

Sadly the months we had together before he went back a month ago were horrific. When he flew out for work again it was after months of him telling me that he didn’t love me, months of crying and shouting and desperate counselling sessions, we parted as single people and have since reconciled via skype.
While I am happy that we are working things out, for me at least, it is increasingly difficult. I haven’t felt loved for months now, I haven’t felt that connection with him since all this began and as a result I am really struggling to continue fighting. That wouldn’t be such a problem if he was in the country and all was hunky dory, but at the moment if I stop  fighting for us then there’s no one left on the battle field.

The pressure is really getting to me now, everything is resting on me; his health, my health, our relationship, our future, our living arrangements, our finances, everything. I’m giving out everything I have emotionally and am getting nothing back; no one is there to recharge my emotional batteries, no one is there to give me a cuddle and tell me it’s all going to be ok, and at the same time I can’t stop giving for a second because he needs me. Taking some time out is just not an option right now and no doubt wont be for a while until he is feeling a bit better, which could be several more months.
I keep telling myself that once he gets back in the country it will ease, at least a little, but the date of his arrival is being put back again and again and it’s making me wonder if it’s ever going to happen. I need to be able to hold him, and for him to hold me, and to look into his eyes and believe that it’s going to work out. I need to feel that physical connection to another person. I need to feel loved.

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01/02 I am officially hating 2010, if it carries on like this it is going to be a horrendous year. Today we took Heidi (the guinea pig) to the vets because she’s had a runny nose and eyes for the past two or three days and has been a bit legarthic. The vet checked her over and found a lump in her cheek pouch and thinks it is either a serious infection or lymphoma, she’s pretty much ruled out a tooth infection as her teeth are so healthy, but has taken some cells from the lump for analysis and given us some antibiotics to give her. I am hoping and praying that it’s not cancer but from what the vet said it sounds like it’s the most likely option given her age and overall general good health. Fortunately she’s eating and drinking ok but I just wish I could make it all better for her, poor baby.

Heidi is the black and white one, the other one is Henrietta

2/02 The vet phoned this afternoon with bad news, Heidi does have lymphoma. We are carrying on with the antibiotics so that she doesn’t catch something else and the vet is looking into options and will phone tomorrow. She didn’t sound too hopeful though and said it was just a matter of when she begins to deteriorate. She did recommend steroids to give her some strength and make her feel better but we’re waiting for tomorrow to find out what other options, if any, we have.

Get praying folks

04/02 The Vet has spoken to an exotic animal specialist from Edinburgh who said the options are steroids twice a day alongside antibiotics, chemo or nothing. After much deliberation on the pros and cons of each option Stuart and I have decided to try her on chemo which involves one injection monthly, the side effects may make her worse but if it is successful then her quality of life should be better for the time she has left. The vet has said we’re looking at about 4 to 6 weeks depending on treatment and things.

05/02 Heidi has had her chemotherapy injection and has been home for about an hour. She seems as well as can be expected, no worse at least. Sadly she’s not eating so we have to syringe some extra calorie food into her mouth and we’ve got to give extra vitamin c in her water but she seems more comfortable. At the moment we have to handle her with rubber gloves on because some of the injection leaked and may be on her skin, it also means that we can’t put her back in the cage with Henrietta either so we’re having to keep them separate for the next 24 hours. I’m hoping against hope that it gives her some strength and quality of life for a little while.

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