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Archive for the ‘Diary’ Category

Today was a good day

I’m going for a “does what it says on the tin” post. Today was indeed a good day; I found myself able to eat solid food, I had no bad news and, in fact, had some good news! The down side to this appears to be that, despite being tired and reasonably relaxed I don’t want to go to sleep, or even go to bed. I’m assuming this is because then today will end and tomorrow could well be the bringer of more bad news and I don’t want to take that risk.

So I’m going to focus on the good things that happened today:

I can eat solid food again! Hurrah! Not only that, I can also eat before 6pm which means I had lunch today too! Hurrah again! I swear, food never tasted so good, I don’t remember it all being so flavourful and delicious. I’m still getting some pain when I eat but it’s staying in my tummy so I don’t care, for the first time in 3 weeks I’m not hungry! I no longer have to listen to the rumble of my stomach as it demands food that it will only remove, minutes later, from my body without even trying to digest it. So Hurrah for me and my tummy! Bring on the good food!

There was no bad news today! I think it may have been the first day in 3 months that I have not received bad news and I am over the moon. There were no emotional break downs, there were no heartbreaking phone calls, there were no malicious words, there was peace. As I sit here reflecting on the day I am thanking the Goddess for every second of today, every single second that passed without event, without tears and without news.

There was good news! I told you today was a good day! The good news came in the form of a Wedding Bodice (and skirt, but the skirt is just acceptable) that is perfect for our wedding, not only that, my OH has told me to go and try it on! So I am now enlisting the help of my Maid of Honour, and no doubt several other female friends, to go and give it a twirl! If it fits it will knock about £850 off our Wedding costs – more good news!

Today passed without event, and for me at the moment, that in itself is an event that is going on my calendar.

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Woe is me

As those of you who follow me on twitter will know, I’ve been poorly. For the past 2 weeks my tummy has been gradually refusing more and more foods; initially lactose, then bread, now fish. Alongside the inability to eat, for the past week there has now been gradually increasing pain all around my torso. My back hurts, my shoulders ache, all across my tummy either hurts or aches and my lungs are painful. Surprise surprise this has left me unable to correct my sleeping pattern and has, in fact, made it worse. I can’t get comfy at all and find myself constantly attached to a hot water bottle in an effort to get some relief.

Today I went to the Doctors, so hopeful that he would diagnose something, anything, and I could get on with fixing it. Oh, how wrong I was. “Non specific viral infection” maybe… rough translation: “I don’t have a clue”.
Take paracetamol for the pain he says, 2 every 4 hours with food. First major problem with that, I can’t eat every 4 hours. I’m once a day just to stop my stomach digesting itself. “If it gets worse or doesn’t clear up, come back”. I have a problem with this too: I’ve waited 2 weeks to come, during which it has got worse and not cleared up…
He did, however, offer to put me back on antidepressants, which I politely refused. Although at this moment in time I think that may have been a mistake.

So tonight I find myself exhausted. I am all out of options. Much as I would love to stay in bed all day and sleep when I can and try to get better, I can’t. I have to sort the housework and look after a neurotic guinea pig. The strain is starting to tell though, my legs give way when I walk up the stairs, I’m crying at anything and everything, I’m snappy and irritated,in general I’m not a nice person right now.

So I apologise to all those people who I yell at or offend. I apologise to all those people who are ill with way more stuff to deal with than me and I apologise for taking up your time with this moan but I am really struggling at the moment and I am at a complete dead end.

On a positive note: I have lost half a stone and if I continue as is will have lost at least a stone by my birthday which will mean I’ll be able to fit into my size 12 stuff again. Every cloud!

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mmmm Pancakes

Well the past month has been a nightmare. The stress has made me physically ill and I’ve been an emotional wreck. But enough is enough, I have pulled myself together and have been very cheerful all week 🙂

I have applied for a part-time job at Clarks but haven’t heard anything as yet. I’m going to look into voluntary work too to try and ease myself back into work. Considering that I haven’t been out on my own a lot over the past 2 years I don’t know what I am capable of, but I’m sure I’ll soon find out! I have started the moving on process so whatever happens I can get on with it, I’m enjoying the time on my own again and thinking straight. I’m also back on top of the housework, mostly!

On Monday I picked up Heidi from the vets in a beautifully carved box. They have done her proud. Henrietta seemed to know straight away that it was her sister and took about 10 minutes to mourn in front of the box when I got her out for a cuddle. She is still missing her greatly but seems to be getting there, we have had 2 days where she has been very active but some days she is still a bit low.

Yesterday was also pancake day! Yay! I whipped up some yummy pancakes, both savoury and crepe suzettes, and stuffed myself with them while despairing at the shambles that was the Brit Awards! They were delicious though and I have some left over for pudding tonight, oooh yea!

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Where do I start?

Everything is a mess at the moment and to be honest, I’m terrified. I’m terrified that Stuart will never fall back in love with me, I’m terrified that everything we had has meant nothing and I’m terrified that the last three years of my life have been wasted. Not only that, I am now scared in my own home, I don’t feel safe and I have no idea why, unsurprisingly this is affecting my sleep and meaning that I can’t get to sleep until the sun has come up. And just to add to the fun I have to try to work again so that I can move out and take the pressure off my parents, having not worked for about 2 years now because of my anxiety and depression and I have no idea if I actually can work. I’m still wary around big groups of people and people I don’t know, and for the past 2 years pretty much everywhere I’ve gone I’ve had Stuart or a friend with me. I feel like I’m at a total loss and have no idea what to do, I was happy in my little world and now it’s come crashing down around me.

Job wise my mum has suggested starting with Voluntary work, which is a fabulous idea aside from the fact I need a wage that will at least pay for my food. I’m trying to think of something I can do from home but everything that comes up on google looks suspiciously like a scam.

I don’t understand how this has happened, my life was on track and my whole future was planned out and now I have nothing.

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Heidi – A mini tribute

Sadly we lost Heidi this morning. She had deteriorated somewhat rapidly overnight and was struggling with breathing, we had made an appointment at the vets to have her put down but we didn’t make it, she passed away on my lap being fussed by both Stuart and I. We had done everything we could for her but the cancer was too much for her tiny body 😦

We are having her cremated and possibly buried in France where she’d been on holiday twice and enjoyed herself greatly. She is going to be hugely missed, especially by her sister, but we are glad that she isn’t suffering any more. She has been a fantastic pet and companion and she was so loved.

There are some videos here and photos below, she was so beautiful.

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01/02 I am officially hating 2010, if it carries on like this it is going to be a horrendous year. Today we took Heidi (the guinea pig) to the vets because she’s had a runny nose and eyes for the past two or three days and has been a bit legarthic. The vet checked her over and found a lump in her cheek pouch and thinks it is either a serious infection or lymphoma, she’s pretty much ruled out a tooth infection as her teeth are so healthy, but has taken some cells from the lump for analysis and given us some antibiotics to give her. I am hoping and praying that it’s not cancer but from what the vet said it sounds like it’s the most likely option given her age and overall general good health. Fortunately she’s eating and drinking ok but I just wish I could make it all better for her, poor baby.

Heidi is the black and white one, the other one is Henrietta

2/02 The vet phoned this afternoon with bad news, Heidi does have lymphoma. We are carrying on with the antibiotics so that she doesn’t catch something else and the vet is looking into options and will phone tomorrow. She didn’t sound too hopeful though and said it was just a matter of when she begins to deteriorate. She did recommend steroids to give her some strength and make her feel better but we’re waiting for tomorrow to find out what other options, if any, we have.

Get praying folks

04/02 The Vet has spoken to an exotic animal specialist from Edinburgh who said the options are steroids twice a day alongside antibiotics, chemo or nothing. After much deliberation on the pros and cons of each option Stuart and I have decided to try her on chemo which involves one injection monthly, the side effects may make her worse but if it is successful then her quality of life should be better for the time she has left. The vet has said we’re looking at about 4 to 6 weeks depending on treatment and things.

05/02 Heidi has had her chemotherapy injection and has been home for about an hour. She seems as well as can be expected, no worse at least. Sadly she’s not eating so we have to syringe some extra calorie food into her mouth and we’ve got to give extra vitamin c in her water but she seems more comfortable. At the moment we have to handle her with rubber gloves on because some of the injection leaked and may be on her skin, it also means that we can’t put her back in the cage with Henrietta either so we’re having to keep them separate for the next 24 hours. I’m hoping against hope that it gives her some strength and quality of life for a little while.

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Well so far 2010 has been a truly horrendous year. Stuart and I are having some massive problems, life at home is awkward, we are both stressed and emotional and neither of us are sleeping very well. We have decided to go to couples counselling in an effort to save our relationship and I appreciate all the support I have received from family and friends. I am keeping my fingers crossed that we manage to get back on track because I don’t know what I would do without him, I love him so much.

In other news, not a lot has been going on.

Sorry for the boring post but wanted to thank you all (especially the girls on twitter) for all your help.

This is hard. Really hard. I am so confused at the moment and my emotions are going from non existent to heart broken in split seconds. I wish he would stop trying to push me away and let me help him. I feel like the sand is fast slipping through my fingers and all I can do is marvel at the speed with which it disappears.

On the plus side I think we are making progress. We’re going for a romantic dinner together tomorrow night in an attempt to start again. I’ll try anything, starting from scratch, prayer, I’d even go to church if I thought it would help!

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