Posts Tagged ‘depression’

Welcome to my nightmare

Thank you Alice Cooper for my title, I seem to be saying it a lot of late.

I really don’t know where to start anymore, my life is so up and down that part of me is missing the depression I suffered with for so long; at least that was a constant, at least with that I could hide in my bed all day, at least then I could give up. I am under so much strain that every day I think “today I’m going to crack”, and then tomorrow comes with even more stress and still I don’t, I have no idea how I am still going. I barely eat, I barely sleep, I am in a constant state of worry but still I carry on and still I can’t walk away. I guess that’s love.

This is, without doubt, the most frustrating time of my life. If I had a penny for all the times I’ve told myself “It’s not his fault, it’s the depression” I would be able to afford to fly out to him. It breaks my heart every time he acts like he doesn’t care, every time he says horrid stuff to try to get me to leave, every time he berates himself. I wish he could just give it a break for 5 minutes, I wish, just for that short period of time, he would stop hating himself enough to see how fantastic he is. Because I know he is. I’ve seen his soul and I know that it’s good. I know that underneath the depression and the self hatred and the other layers of trauma, he is a truly incredible man. He’s strong, and passionate, he loves his friends and his family, he’s funny and charming, he’s loving and caring, and he makes me so happy. We have had so many great times in our 3 years, we have both been happier than we ever thought possible and it makes me so angry that this disease has robbed us of that.

That’s what I feel most often now; anger. Anger that yet another person I love is being taken from me. My Gran was stolen from us by dementia, my Dad by cancer and now him by depression. I know being angry wont help, I know I should be using that energy to sooth and help him, but I am blinded by hatred for that disease. And it makes me more angry because I know there is nothing he can do about it, I know that he is just as helpless as I am. I also know that no one can help him like I can, which makes me angry too because I am failing, every day he is still under that black cloud is another day that I have failed him.

I beat it, and that angers me too. Why couldn’t it take me instead? Why can’t he believe that he can do it? He watched me fight it, he was there as I gradually beat it back, he saw me grow and he still doesn’t believe it’s possible. I know it is the depression telling him that he isn’t strong enough, I know that it whispers in his ear that he will never escape, I know it screams at him about how much a failure he is, but he watched me win

Last week he lied to me, this week he left me, but he did neither of those things. He had no control over them, some of the things he does I believe are swayed by outside factors, but mostly it is the depression. It wants to make him suffer, it wants him alone where no one can save him, it wants to remove every one who cares so it can destroy him. It will make him say and do things that he doesn’t want to to hurt those people who care, it will tell him, over and over, that he doesn’t deserve them, that he doesn’t deserve to be happy, it will force his hand onto his self-destruct button and it will keep it there until there is nothing left. It has already sucked his energy, he is already at the point where he has nothing left to fight with. 1-0. I won’t let it score a second goal, I will play every position on the field if I have to, I wont let him be taken by it.

If  you, or someone you know can relate to this please contact a GP and/or view some of these links:

Samaritans – 08457 90 90 90

MIND – they cover all mental health problems and have advice for the sufferer and their families too.

Breaking the Silence – they are bringing mental health awareness into the 21st century. They’re active on facebook too, so become a fan and tell your friends and they also have links to blogs and other sites for support.

Sane – who deal with all mental health issues and have phone numbers on their home page for help too.

Depression Alliance – Specific help for depression, promoting the “you are not alone” message.

Since this blog post was written, the posting has been delayed, he has gone into counselling and we are still together. He will be home by May.


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100 Faces

Were it not for the weather it would have been a perfect day. Two girls, demon free, being beautified and getting to pose and laugh in a real studio! It was a fabulous experience and one I would love to repeat!

The fantastic lady who took our photos is Jo Belfield, she’s everywhere; on twitterflickrblogger and at her very sexy website. She has also taken it upon herself to set up the 100faces project which will involve 100 people with various mental illnesses and aims to promote mental health awareness. Hopefully it will be on show next year so you can all go and visit and see how gorgeous Samm and I look in it!

Getting to Macclesfield to Jo’s studio wasn’t exactly smooth sailing but it was smoother than getting back! After some wandering around Macclesfield we phoned Jo who directed us to her new studio where we warmed up and got the tour of her new studio! It must be said that Jo is hilarious and had us rolling around in laughter within minutes, she also makes an excellent cuppa! We arrived just before our incredible make-up artist; Dora. The woman is a miracle worker, I swear to you she is gifted. Should you wish to be made stunningly beautiful by a gorgeous lady with very gentle hands, give her a call on 07507560929 or email her at makeupbydora@googlemail.com I assure you that you will not be disappointed.

Once our make-up was all sorted we got our chance in front of the camera! There was much hair swishing from Samm who took to it like a duck to water, and markedly less from me! Jo was great, telling us what we needed to do and showing us the photos occasionally so we got an idea of what we were doing wrong! Despite the fits of giggles she managed to get some good photos and hopefully they are what she was looking for! She’s really good at boosting your confidence and getting across what she’s aiming for, we both felt at ease with her.

It was a great day out and I would definitely recommend her to anyone from models to groups of friends to family shots or couples. She really knows what she’s doing and Dora is, as I said before, a miracle worker! I could not recommend them highly enough, and in a couple of weeks we will be going to see the finished products, and if I’ve got any monies I shall be buying one to prove to everyone how pretty I am for all time!

Photo Credit: Jo Belfield Photography (the same one I’ve been raving about for the whole post!)

Samm’s review of the day can be found here on her fab blog which has also been featured on Breaking the Silence

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Brief background: I have suffered with anxiety and depression (possible bi-polar disorder) for most of my life, recently I have been through excellent counselling (privately) and have recovered from my depression and am getting there with the anxiety.

Recently though, I have been on the other side of the fence, and I’ve gotta tell ya; it’s not pretty. I have no idea how, or why, my friends and family put up with it for so long. Having seen both sides, it is much worse to watch someone you love suffer and go through the never ending stress that is caused by it. My patience is being pushed to its very limits and I am fighting the urge to yell and scream because I know that will only make it worse. I am down to my last nerve, at the end of my tether and any other turn of phrase you care to use and that is making me feel very guilty.

The worst thing, I think, is knowing that nothing I say will make a difference. When I was in the depths of depression or the throws of anxiety there was no talking me out of it, it didn’t matter what anyone else said, I couldn’t help it and that knowledge makes it all the harder. I can’t just leave it and stand idly by while I watch him suffer, but at the same time I know there is a risk that anything I do say may make it worse and definitely wont make it better.

Another problem I’m having is that I know how I can help, but at the moment he is in a different country and there is nothing I can do to change that. Once he’s home I can book the counselling appointments and the doctors appointments and implement a stable routine at home to make sure he sleeps and eats and knows what’s coming. I can start building him back up by letting him plan his days out, helping him remember all the good times and showing him that there are things worth living for, but in a different country I can do nothing. There is no way I can fly out there as it’s too expensive, and even if I did all the help he requires is here; a doctor that knows his history, a counsellor who he has already bonded with, a mental health service that I am familiar with and a support network to prove that he is loved and help me when I need to cry/scream/vent at someone.

I feel like I’m at breaking point; I know he is struggling to get on the plane to come home but every extra day he is out there is another days deterioration in his condition and another day that my body and mind are pulled apart by stress. I desperately want to help him but I fear that if I continue as I am that my health and future will suffer.

Is there only so long that you can wait for someone? Am I right to be so confused and guilty about the possibility of giving up? How do I know when there is nothing more I can do? Is there ever a right time to give up on the man you love?

NB: Mainly for the people who know him and might be worried I’m posting without his knowledge: I emailed the post to him and asked if it was ok for me to post it, he said yes.

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My lovely friend has brought to my attention that today is National Self Harm Awareness Day so I thought, what an excellent idea for a blog post. Self Harm is something that desperately needs to be brought to the nation’s attention because, in most cases, it is not “a cry for attention” or an attempted suicide, it is a way to deal with intensely difficult situations and it is the cause that must be addressed, not the symptom.

I used to self harm. My early teen years were not easy, I was bullied at my first high school, lost my Gran, who lived with us, had to deal with a girl at my 3rd high school having a vendetta against me and then lost my Dad, all between the ages of 12 and 15. I am not telling you this to ask for your sympathy but to put into context the first time I picked up a pair of scissors and cut into my arm. I was 14, it was the day before my Dad’s funeral and I had no idea how to deal with it. I don’t know what made me think of it but it seemed like the only way out and after I felt so at ease, like I’d been meditating for hours. That was where it began and it continued, almost every day, for about 2 years. I always ended up wearing jumpers or long sleeved tops all year round to hide my arms until it came out and I went back into counselling (for the second time). It took a lot of hard work to stop, I tried having rubber bands round my wrist to ping when I got the urge, squeezing ice cubes, squeezing dyed red ice cubes, a star chart and various other methods and eventually I got there.

However, in the same way that an alcoholic is never truly cured, I will never be cured either. In times of great stress or overwhelming emotion I still find myself desperately searching for a pencil sharpener blade, a knife, a pair of scissors, anything with a sharp blade that will release the unbearable build up of pain that I have no other way to deal with. I will sit alone, in the quiet, in floods of tears and and watch the blood flow until the crying stops and the pressure has dissipated.
The difference now is that I am not ashamed of it, I refuse to be. It has made me who I am and I am grateful for that.

This is just my story, and every one who self harms has different reasons for doing so and different ways. It will feel different for each person and they will be in different situations when they do it but they will all have one thing in common; they have reasons for doing what they do.

If you, or someone you know, is self harming or you suspect that they are there are things you can do. I am not a professional but I would say that confronting them is not the way to go, but being there as a shoulder to cry on, to talk to about their problems and to try and bring them out of their depression is the best way to deal with it. There are also lots of websites and resources out there to support the sufferer and their friends and family and they were invaluable to me.


Get Connected

The Site

Secret Shame


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Where do I start?

Everything is a mess at the moment and to be honest, I’m terrified. I’m terrified that Stuart will never fall back in love with me, I’m terrified that everything we had has meant nothing and I’m terrified that the last three years of my life have been wasted. Not only that, I am now scared in my own home, I don’t feel safe and I have no idea why, unsurprisingly this is affecting my sleep and meaning that I can’t get to sleep until the sun has come up. And just to add to the fun I have to try to work again so that I can move out and take the pressure off my parents, having not worked for about 2 years now because of my anxiety and depression and I have no idea if I actually can work. I’m still wary around big groups of people and people I don’t know, and for the past 2 years pretty much everywhere I’ve gone I’ve had Stuart or a friend with me. I feel like I’m at a total loss and have no idea what to do, I was happy in my little world and now it’s come crashing down around me.

Job wise my mum has suggested starting with Voluntary work, which is a fabulous idea aside from the fact I need a wage that will at least pay for my food. I’m trying to think of something I can do from home but everything that comes up on google looks suspiciously like a scam.

I don’t understand how this has happened, my life was on track and my whole future was planned out and now I have nothing.

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