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You are my sunshine

The fabulous Eoforhild over at Planted in the Earth, Reaching for the Moon has very kindly nominated me for these awards in her Pretty Awards post. Firstly, I have to say I adore the name of her blog! I have only recently discovered it but I already love it, her photos are beautiful, her writing is fantastic and her topics are interesting.
She describes herself as a “Tattooed, Combat-boot-wearing, disney loving, cloth nappy using, baby wearing Mama, who likes to bake, take photographs, read children’s books and hug trees.” So if any of that takes your fancy go read her blog!

The rules of these awards are as follows: write a lucky fact about yourself, 3 things that brighten up your day, and then pass it on to your lucky number of people.

Lucky Fact: I always seem to come out fighting

Things that brighten up my day: Music (especially 80s rock and 90s cheese!), photos (taking them and looking at them) and beautiful things (from flowers and trees, to beautiful people).

I don’t really have a “lucky” number, but I do have a thing for all even numbers and the number 5. So I’m just going to award this to people who make me feel lucky to know them and if you’ve already been nominated then…lucky you!:

1) Louise who never fails to make me smile with her clumsiness, random tweets and general sweetness.

2) Debs who’s vibrant opinions get me all riled up and ready for a good debate!

3) Marianne who’s blog posts have had me rolling on the floor recently from her beautiful self portrait to her naughty sexcapades (don’t worry folks, nothing x-rated in them!)

4) Dara who provides an honest, funny, no nonsense insight into parenthood and who went from a heart breaking post to an utterly hillarious one with no problem!

5) Josie who I adore and admire for so many reasons I would be here all night if I wrote them all. She started the Writing Workshop, she’s so strong and funny, she is an incredible mum and still remains totally in the dark about how incredible she is. She is also the main reason I got into blogging properly.

6) Heather who posts about sex toys in supermarkets, nudity at Christmas and other naked events and all from her new home in Finland!

7) Diary of a Frugal Family for making me laugh so hard after a really bad night by posting the best restaurant name ever

hmm, well 7’s supposed to be a lucky number!

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Brief background: I have suffered with anxiety and depression (possible bi-polar disorder) for most of my life, recently I have been through excellent counselling (privately) and have recovered from my depression and am getting there with the anxiety.

Recently though, I have been on the other side of the fence, and I’ve gotta tell ya; it’s not pretty. I have no idea how, or why, my friends and family put up with it for so long. Having seen both sides, it is much worse to watch someone you love suffer and go through the never ending stress that is caused by it. My patience is being pushed to its very limits and I am fighting the urge to yell and scream because I know that will only make it worse. I am down to my last nerve, at the end of my tether and any other turn of phrase you care to use and that is making me feel very guilty.

The worst thing, I think, is knowing that nothing I say will make a difference. When I was in the depths of depression or the throws of anxiety there was no talking me out of it, it didn’t matter what anyone else said, I couldn’t help it and that knowledge makes it all the harder. I can’t just leave it and stand idly by while I watch him suffer, but at the same time I know there is a risk that anything I do say may make it worse and definitely wont make it better.

Another problem I’m having is that I know how I can help, but at the moment he is in a different country and there is nothing I can do to change that. Once he’s home I can book the counselling appointments and the doctors appointments and implement a stable routine at home to make sure he sleeps and eats and knows what’s coming. I can start building him back up by letting him plan his days out, helping him remember all the good times and showing him that there are things worth living for, but in a different country I can do nothing. There is no way I can fly out there as it’s too expensive, and even if I did all the help he requires is here; a doctor that knows his history, a counsellor who he has already bonded with, a mental health service that I am familiar with and a support network to prove that he is loved and help me when I need to cry/scream/vent at someone.

I feel like I’m at breaking point; I know he is struggling to get on the plane to come home but every extra day he is out there is another days deterioration in his condition and another day that my body and mind are pulled apart by stress. I desperately want to help him but I fear that if I continue as I am that my health and future will suffer.

Is there only so long that you can wait for someone? Am I right to be so confused and guilty about the possibility of giving up? How do I know when there is nothing more I can do? Is there ever a right time to give up on the man you love?

NB: Mainly for the people who know him and might be worried I’m posting without his knowledge: I emailed the post to him and asked if it was ok for me to post it, he said yes.

Opening a window

There have been days in the past two weeks where I have opened my windows! This may not sound shocking to many of you, but I am neche (a colloquial word meaning I feel the cold/am a wuss when it comes to being chilly). I only open windows when it is sunny and warm and therefore it must be spring!

Finally the nights are getting lighter, the world is getting greener and my heating is getting lower. How I love spring! Pretty flowers about the place, lambs are appearing in the fields, birds are invading my garden and the sun is on it’s way.

It has been a long, cold, winter in every sense for me and I am so glad to see that spring is arriving. It always gives me hope for change, partly because of the changes happening in nature and partly because the extra sunshine buoys my mood. It is heartening to watch the seemingly dead trees come back to life, and the animals venture out after their hibernation. The whole world seems to come alive with noise, bustle and colour, which, after the quiet, dullness of winter is a very welcome and a massive contrast.

Soon I will be able to let Henrietta out in the garden every day to enjoy the grass and the weather and I’ll be able sit outside and watch her, armed with a cup of tea, while soaking up the rays. My washing will be blowing in the gentle breeze that will provide a welcome relief from the heat and there may even be a barbecue, although not while the washing is out of course! Friends will pop round for a glass of something cold in the garden, days out will become more common as we venture out on walks to various places of beauty, people will become more smiley and polite and, oddly, more trusting once the sun makes it’s appearance and all will be well with the world.

The onset of spring has also reminded me that, no matter what is going on in my life, the wheel of the year continues to turn, and thank the Goddess for that!

Happy belated Spring Equinox  folks! Blessed be.

This post was written for Josie’s Writing Workshop at Sleep is for the Weak. After much deliberation I chose prompt 1: Spring, mainly because I needed something cheerful to blog about! I hope it makes a nice change from the misery I’ve been spouting of late!

меня

My post for Tara’s Gallery from Sticky Fingers!

I thought long and hard about this week’s post and what I wanted to do fell though! So here is my back up plan, I give you…Me!

I am the places I have been, both physical and metaphorical, and the people I have been there with

I am the things I have done; the good, the bad and the ugly.

I am the mistakes I have made, and the successes I’ve had.

I am the people who I have loved and lost along the way

I am all my family and friends, those still in my life and those who have left it.

I am all the things I have been through, and all that is yet to come.

I am the person walking along side me and the future we will share.

But most importantly I am, and always will be, someone’s little miracle

I’ve been pondering this since last week when the girls at work, where I have only just started working, got me a card and present for my birthday. It was such a lovely thought and I very much appreciate it, but it was what the present was that got me thinking, because when I opened it, it was a box of vodka shot chocolates.

My suspicions of their opinion on me were further confirmed when I went in to do my shift on Saturday and was asked “Did you have a good night out?” and even before that when I had my induction and was told that lots of the girls bring cake in, with a look that implied that was not expected from me. Now I want to say here that all the girls are lovely, we have a great laugh and they are so nice, but I think my age is a factor in their assumptions.

People tend to assume that I party hard, drink lots, can’t cook, let alone bake, and don’t clean. In short, they seem to think I am the majority of modern teenagers/young adults. I am not. I very rarely go out now, I much prefer to stay in and watch tv with a cuppa. I quit drinking, and smoking, a while ago because it was not who I wanted to be and the person I became when I drank horrified and disgusted me. I also quit caffeine to look after my body for the future.

In addition to the above I am actively pursuing my lifestyle choice of home-maker/wife extraordinaire. This, of course, means that I cook, from scratch with fresh ingredients, as often as possible (which isn’t much when I’m on my own, but when OH is here it’s every night), I bake cakes, cookies, brownies, flapjacks, etc, I have even attempted, and failed, at baking muffins. Muffins hate me, but that’s another post! I keep on top of the bills and do all the shopping around for deals on things, I do the cleaning and I look after my partner.

I do not like most “modern” music that is coming out nowadays, I have old fashioned values that go hand in hand with my old fashioned political beliefs and I assure you, I do not know what is fashionable!

My point is that, while I may be a 22 year old, I do not wish to be treated like a child/teenager/student. I do not have the drives of any of my friends which is why I am trying to find friendships with people who are older, and who have more in common with me. So, while I appreciate that you may look at me and see your daughter or a naive teenager, I would really appreciate it if you gave me a chance to talk about adult things. I’m not as wise as you, or as experienced or even as well read or smart, but I do try and what I would appreciate is your acceptance and advice.

Raindrops on Roses

The wonderful Josie over at Sleep is for the Weak has tagged me in the Happiness Meme that is doing the rounds at the moment, as did Hayley at Single Motherhood Challenges, and boy did it come at a good time! I definitely need to start focusing on the good stuff, so thank you both of you and I hope you enjoy my cheery post! 🙂

1) Cups of tea


I’m not kidding. A cup of tea works wonders, guaranteed to fix all manner of woes and cheer me up! Though I shamefully gave up the tea pot in favour of a quick cuppa in the mug, mainly due to laziness time constraints and the amount of tea I drink, I still very much enjoy my cups of tea. I also gave up caffeine which meant having to quit Yorkshire Tea and Twinings Breakfast Tea, my favourites, in favour of Red Bush, but hey, my body is a temple and all that!

2) My friends

Yea, so I’m generic, what of it?! But it’s true, my friends do make me happy. I love that each of them is fantastic for totally different reasons; some make me laugh, some are a shoulder to cry on, some tell me to put my big girl pants on and get a grip! They are all truly fantastic, both real life friends and those on twitter, and you always make me smile. Thank you.

3) Kids

There is something about children that brings a huge smile to my face. When I see them in their buggies in the street, or charging around a shop or spend time with young relatives I can’t help but feel happy and fulfilled. It’s like chicken soup for the soul!

4) Shoes


oooooooooooh yea! Shoes are gooooood! I am a shoe person, always have been and even though I am developing an appreciation for handbags they will never replace shoes! I adore them, specifically ones with sky scraper heels and platforms (stripper shoes), but I also like ballet pumps and sandals and boots, you get the idea! I love to look at them, and touch them and wear them, they’re so beautiful, they’re all like little works of art. These are my two favourite pairs!

5) My baby girl


This would be my Guinea Pig, Henrietta. As you may know, we lost Heidi at the start of February so we’ve been having lots of cuddles and kisses and I’m still hoping to get her a friend to give her someone to talk to. She’s my little baby and I  spoil her rotten, but she deserves it because, even though she eats me out of house and home, she makes me smile with all her little quirks!

6) My Blog

Yep, generic and selfish all in one post! My blog does make me happy though; it gives me somewhere to vent, and somewhere to share my good news and has opened up a whole world of fun and expression. I’m loving taking part in Josie’s Writing Workshop and reading everyone else’s incredible posts, even though they put me to shame, and Tara’s Gallery which is allowing me to explore my photo obsession, and is going to result in me having to buy a very expensive camera! I’m thinking of hosting my own blog or something so that I can edit it a bit more and make it more personal but I’m not sure if I’ve got the techy know-how to do it, especially after Chrissie at Mediocre Mum’s experience! Any advice would be greatly appreciated *awaits helpful comments from fellow geeks*. And while I’m asking for advice: How on earth do I put things on the side of my blog (i.e. Writing Workshop/Gallery/Secret Post Club badges)? Can I do it with just a basic wordpress blog? :s

7) Planning/Organising

I love it. I get great pleasure out of knowing what I’m doing every day for the next 3 years! I’m a bit of a control freak and I freak out if plans get changed, or something is sprung upon me but when everything goes to my super organised plan, I am the happiest little bunny ever! I have my entire wedding planned and it’s not until 2012, in fact I had it all planned last year! I love folders and files, post its, in fact I love…

8 ) Stationary

Oh yes, stationary is fabulous! I wander into Smith’s and am immediately drawn to the pretty pens, shiny note books, beautiful papers and the cute little rubbers. And then…last year, two of my friends introduced me to the heaven that is…PAPERCHASE! Where have I been all these years? Such a perfect store full of all my favourite things, it was love at first sight!

9) My Kink

Some people get all smiley after “being naughty”, I get all smiley after a good power exchange! I wont go into details so no need to avert your eyes!

10) My Religion


Does that make me sound like a religious nut?! Ah well, it’s true. I find great peace and happiness with a pentacle around my neck or meditating in front of my alter. Just wandering around my garden too, looking at how beautiful everything is. There is something comforting about being surrounded by nature and knowing that you are part of it.

And I am going to tag

Louise at Wee Wifie’s World who is developing a love for all things bloggy in her 3 week holiday

Samm at No One Else mainly to give her something to blog about 😛

Debs at Dopey Dee’s Blog because I know what irritates her from all her fab rants, so now I want to know what makes her smile

My OH at Herr Flik’s Webway because, even though he doesn’t blog, I think making a list of 10 things that make him happy will cheer him up!

Sami at Wishes, Fishes and all that’s inbetween (and here too when the other one is broken!) because she’s trying to start blogging and smiles at EVERYTHING so this should be easy for her!

Tell me what makes you happy folks!

Today was a good day

I’m going for a “does what it says on the tin” post. Today was indeed a good day; I found myself able to eat solid food, I had no bad news and, in fact, had some good news! The down side to this appears to be that, despite being tired and reasonably relaxed I don’t want to go to sleep, or even go to bed. I’m assuming this is because then today will end and tomorrow could well be the bringer of more bad news and I don’t want to take that risk.

So I’m going to focus on the good things that happened today:

I can eat solid food again! Hurrah! Not only that, I can also eat before 6pm which means I had lunch today too! Hurrah again! I swear, food never tasted so good, I don’t remember it all being so flavourful and delicious. I’m still getting some pain when I eat but it’s staying in my tummy so I don’t care, for the first time in 3 weeks I’m not hungry! I no longer have to listen to the rumble of my stomach as it demands food that it will only remove, minutes later, from my body without even trying to digest it. So Hurrah for me and my tummy! Bring on the good food!

There was no bad news today! I think it may have been the first day in 3 months that I have not received bad news and I am over the moon. There were no emotional break downs, there were no heartbreaking phone calls, there were no malicious words, there was peace. As I sit here reflecting on the day I am thanking the Goddess for every second of today, every single second that passed without event, without tears and without news.

There was good news! I told you today was a good day! The good news came in the form of a Wedding Bodice (and skirt, but the skirt is just acceptable) that is perfect for our wedding, not only that, my OH has told me to go and try it on! So I am now enlisting the help of my Maid of Honour, and no doubt several other female friends, to go and give it a twirl! If it fits it will knock about £850 off our Wedding costs – more good news!

Today passed without event, and for me at the moment, that in itself is an event that is going on my calendar.