For this weeks Writing Workshop, the lovely Josie wants us to tell her what we want, what we really really want. So I pondered if, in fact, what I wanted was indeed to “zig a zig, ah” and nope, turns out that no, that’s not it.
Yes, that was awful but I had to distract myself briefly before I starting writing this post, because what I do want is a family. That is all I have ever wanted, all I’ve ever dreamed about. I blogged along a similar vein here so I’m going to try and not overlap on that post and specify that the key part of my dream is being pregnant; carrying a baby inside me, giving birth, raising that child. In fact, watching One Born Every Minute each week on channel 4 has only made me more broody than before. I think I assumed it would bring home the reality to me, like it did for several people I follow on twitter who commented on never wanting children, and it did; it proved to me that the reality would be even more fulfilling, rewarding and magical than the dream.
For as long as I can remember there has been a hole in my life, not due to any traumatic experience or some deep seated parent problems, I’ve been through counselling and I know myself very well, I have resolved my issues, the hole is for my children. I am trying to think of a way to explain the emptiness and the longing that would convey to you just how it feels, but I think it that it is one of those things that only those who have felt it can really know. For me it is a physical pain in the pit of my stomach, it is tears and despair each month as another chance passes by, but worst of all is the unbearable jealousy that goes hand in hand with the happiness every time a friend announces her pregnancy. Several of my friends, and “friends”, have got pregnant or given birth recently and it’s taking its toll. Those who are good friends I am honestly over the moon for, I really am, and I feel terrible that it makes me feel so inadequate and jealous but I can’t help it. I would never express these feelings to them of course, and spending time with them and their child does make me smile, but then I come home and can’t help but feel that aching emptiness, amplified by the time spent with the cure. Those that I am not really close to, specifically one who only contacts me when they want something, I don’t feel that happiness for them, I feel pure, unadulterated envy, so much so that I can no longer even look at them. I feel terrible for thinking that they don’t deserve it, that I would be a better parent, that they could never care as much as I do, but nothing will shake that feeling. I don’t know whether that makes me a bad person, or a desperate one.
For now all I can do is keep my fingers crossed that it will happen, sooner rather than later, and ease the pain with babies laughter, children’s hugs and teenagers chats.
Without wanting to sound smug, I have no idea how all that feels, but I have friends in the same situation and they are also heartbroken each month. I think what I’m trying to say is that you’re not on your own and I think you’ll find that this blog post will bring you a lot of readers in the same situation xx
you don’t sound smug at all. I’m glad you’ve never experienced it, it not something I would wish on anyone. Thank you for your comment, feel a little better for getting it out there.
I feel so much pain coming from your blog I am from a family that falls pregnant at the drop of a hat, but always know how lucky we all are to do so. Apart from my daughter who had a miscarriage before her second child we all carry our babies easily as well. I have known friends who have tried for years for babies , with no luck, also friends who have had numerous miscarriages and I dont know what is worse the heartbreak of being pregnant and constantly losing the baby or not getting pregnant at all.
I do know that life is so unfair and there are people in this world who have children who shouldn’t and are cruel to them and while I respect the views of people who do want children I do no understand how you can go through life without a child.. I too was broody from a young age and couldn’t wait to have babies so I do understand the yearning, I wish with all my heart that it happens for you as my daughter is my pride and joy she is now nearly 30.
I experianced the pain you do until Maxi was born, although not the emptyness, the issues with keeping babys inside was my problem.
I am sorry that I dont have a magic wand or words that can make it any easier.
Such a powerful post & it really touched me. I dont know what that feeling is like and now I’ve had Oli will never experience what your going through. I wish I knew what to say/do. Other then my fingers are also crossed for you
Much Love xx
I know how you feel to some extent Livi. I wanted kids too from a very young age, only to go through the heartaches of miscarriages and my baby’s death. Now I have two lovely grown-up kids and can’t wait to be a granny. So don’t despair, i’m sure your time will come and when it does you’ll be a great mum x
I hope that everything works out for you, I really do x
Thanks for all the supportive comments. All very much appreciated
Awww, what a moving and beautiful post. I’m so sorry for the pain you are feeling and hope that everything works out for you. x
I remember that feeling. I used to tell my husband that whenever I saw another baby it was liky my ovaries were hands and the fallopian tubes arms and they were reaching out to hug it (if I were at all a decent artist I’m sure I could produce a nice Kahlo-esque painting from that image).
I was told from a young age that I would have problems concieving and maybe also birthing (due to tilted uterus and PCOS). So I was sure it would be ages before I became pregnant. Even before my husband and I were married I would hope for an “accident.”
The moment we were married (truthfully a couple months before) we stopped worrying about accidents and within a few months I was pregnant. Our first son was born almost a year and a month to the day of our wedding. And the other two quickly followed.
I don’t know what my point is, really. Just maybe that that feeling is preparing you but don’t feel like it’s hopeless. You will get there someday and in the meantime you’re learning so much that you’re going to be a remarkable mom to those future babes!