Over the past month I have lost almost a stone and a half, not through diet, through illness, but none the less, it was weight that needed to go. I am now the lightest I’ve ever been as an adult, back to a size 12 and for the past 2 days I was over the moon. However, for some reason all my old weight demons have kicked in now and I look in the mirror and look bigger than I was a stone and a half ago. Now I know that that is, firstly impossible, and secondly insane, but that’s what I see. So now I find myself desperate to keep the weight off, and loose more, and yet can’t help but stuff myself with foods that make me feel sick to punish myself and I don’t even know what I’m punishing myself for!
I want to keep the weight off purely for health reasons; I’ve got more energy, I look better, I’m healthier, although still bang in the middle of “overweight” according to the NHS BMI calculator. But losing more is something I don’t think I want, but can’t help working towards. I’d made real progress and no longer looked at those skinny people in magazines and thought they were hot, I don’t want to go back to that. I’m never going to be a skinny girl, but it seems that now I’m slimmer it’s all I can think about. I had this problem last time I was this size, I had “fat days” more often than good days, I could point out a million and one things wrong with my body, I always wanted to lose “just that bit there” and then “just this” or have this done, it drove OH mad. After putting on the weight, slowly and accidentally due to what amounts to laziness, I was much happier. I have no idea why, I didn’t feel sexy in the way I do now, but I was happy, content if you will, I liked myself and that was great because I didn’t care about my size.
This post makes no sense, mainly because the situation makes no sense, but I had to get it out. I have no idea what my problem is! I’m doubtful there is, or ever will be, any eating disorder problems mainly because I just love my food and I am allergic to the gym! Physically it’s not going to be a problem, I’ll probably hover around this weight for a while, then start piling on the pounds again, but mentally I’m back to looking into a mirror and seeing some size 20 woman staring back at me when I know that I’m wearing size 12 clothes and they fit. It’s the weirdest feeling and I wish I knew what to do about it, especially if it’s going to end in me feeling sick all the time because I’m eating stuff that makes me poorly to punish myself for unknown crimes.
And now I’m rambling, so I’m going to take my chocolate, malted milk biscuits that make me ill and get back to watching Supernatural! Any advice, as always, greatly appreciated.